Saturday, November 28, 2009

Coming Out on Top: A Classy Chick's Guide to Perfect Breakup Sex

Warning: The following is a true account of a breakup gone right. It is not for the faint of heart. Please do not attempt under the influence of alcohol, because then you will just look trashy. Be advised that this takes extreme girl-balls and a clear mind, and always, always, consult your fellow chicks before attempting. Enjoy!

If this was an episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?," we would begin by sitting around a campfire and announcing "The Tale of the Maneater." But, it is not so lets get started.

It all started when SS broke up with her boyfriend. Like any girl, at first she was devastated. Everything seemed to have been going great, but looking back it was for the best. However, there was a looming feeling over her head of unfinished business. And like any classy chick, business should never be left unattended.

After the breakup, SS layed low for a few weeks. Post girlfriend consultation and the obligatory boy-bashing stage, she was almost back to fighting shape. One night, it had finally hit her that she had not gotten any action in a couple of weeks (and lets be honest, a girl has needs,) and to remedy the situation she texted the "ex." It started out innocently enough:
7:00 pm
SS: Hey, what are you up to tonight?
EX: Not much, just hanging out at the house. Maybe heading to the bar later.
SS: Oh nice, well let me know whats up tonight.
EX: Sounds good.

10:00 pm
SS: Can I tell you something? It's a little trashy.
EX: Uh, sure.
SS: Are you by yourself?
EX: Well, I'm at the bar with 'Tweedle-Dee'* and 'Tweedle-Dum'*
SS: Ok well, I'm really horny and I wanna see you.
EX: I'll be home in 20 minutes. The front door is unlocked.

*names changed to protect idiot friends
Not everyone can be as lucky as this, but this was a perfect opportunity for her to strike. Why should guys be the only ones to take matters into their own hands?

Within a half an hour, SS arrived at EX's house and let herself in. When he came out to greet her, she had already started taking off her clothes. He tried making small talk, but I beleive her exact words were, "this isn't a social call, now get in the bedroom." Now SS has always had a fiesty personality and a take charge attitude, and this is no exception. But, over the course of the evening, shit got serious. Aside from taking the reins and making the rules, SS repeatedly told EX that she was there strictly for business and that she didn't have time for silly things like cuddling and kissing.

When the evening was drawing to a close and EX asked her to spend the night, she said "sorry, I have more important things to do. I will see you later." The goodnight kiss insued and she turned away without another word. Since then, she has received numerous "Hey, how is it going?" texts from EX and various invitations to hang out.

And now, a word from our sponsor, SS:

Ladies, the most important thing I learned from this experience is that its okay to get what you want and take charge as long as everyone is willing to have a good time (although, at one point in the evening, EX told me that he wasn't used to this kind of attitude from me and that he felt like he was being taken advantage of -- and he liked it). Why should we sit by the phone and pine away at some silly boy thats not going to call when we can just put it all out on the table and get what we want with no strings attached?

Just be sure to remember that this isn't recommended for just anyone and that it shouldn't be attempted after a super serious breakup or with someone that you can't just remain emotionally distant from.

Here are some ground rules and some tips for coming out on top:
  • First and foremost, make sure you smell good and brush your teeth. We are classy chicks after all, and you want to make sure to impress your target.
  • Make sure its on YOUR terms. Don't be the booty call, be the booty caller.
  • Leave the lights on. Trust me. This is a game changer.
  • Feel free to try the "no small talk rule". Again, its not a social event, its bedroom-invite only.
  • I recommend going to their place. It makes it easier to be mysterious and leave time for a quick exit.
  • Don't spend the night. Spending the night leads to cuddling and kissing -- which is for amateurs.
  • And finally, always leave them wanting more. But, don't always give them more. Breakup sex is about the perfect and most fun end to a relationship that just didn't work out for the right reasons. Don't make it out to be more than that.
Be smart. Be safe. Be sexy.

xo - The Classy Chicks.

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1 comment:

  1. See... why don't you get sex from somebody else, usually related as "revenge sex".

    As a defender of the "Classy Gentlemen", I say this is a big mistake!! :P